So I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in… I don’t know what was funnier the look on her face or that the abortion clinic let me keep her




a couple has sex in the dark every single night one night the wife gets curious about what goes on so they start f…ing and she flicks the light on when she flicks the light on she catches him with a dildo playing with her pussy she’s so mad that she started ranting and raving the husband says honey I know you’re mad and I’ll explain the toy just do me one favor explain the children.



A wife asks her husband: am I pretty or ugly? The husband awnsers her: pretty. The wife responds: thank yo- The husband interrupts her: PRETTY UGLY!


PK Thandra

Why does this Stingray’s wife can’t stop babbling? Cause, she can’t watch her mouth.



My wife went to make a cake the recipe said separate two eggs so she put one egg in the living room



One time, I bought a magnet, my wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn’t help myself, I felt attracted to it.



Luigi was dying had two sons Bruno was handsome but Alberto was ugly He said Maria tell me is the is Alberto my son Yes Luigi his wife said and he died happily Wife said thank God he didn’t ask about the other one !!



A week before Christmas my wife left me, she said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore. On Christmas eve Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, “all I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world.” On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.


Russian (not a) Soldier

I can NOT take any responsibility and credit for this, it just said whats ur favourite joke so Im writing it in favor of them: A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box, and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations, and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts “Voodoo Dick, the door!” The wooden penis flies across the room, and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cahsier’s desk, and once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box and the cashier closes the lid. The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand.” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!” The man nods and heads home. Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip. A few days later, the wife becomes very horny, and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina, and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired, and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can, but just can’t get it it. The wife panicks, and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding, and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!” The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”



My wife still misses me…

But her aim is getting better!



My wife is a optimist our first night together she handed me a magnum xl condom. I didn’t know what to do so I made her a balloon animal 🎈 🦒



Question : Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Answer : Tequila



Husband: Hey, my dear, this lunch is great. Where did you find the reciepe?

In a detective novel.

New Year

Allan C.

It’s getting near midnight and I can already hear Big Ben. He’s upstairs pumping the wife.


Allan C.

And the children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years, until eventually Moses’ wife said “Are you going to ask for directions or what?”.


Table Tennis Legend

Me and my wife love playing table tennis. I couldn’t win all day, but when it got dark I managed to beat her. I don’t know how the police found out so quickly


NotAKiller AreYouACop?

My wife walk in on me cheating on her and said, “How could you cheat on me?!” I said, “She was lying naked on the table what I was supposed to do?” and my wife responded with, “Perform the autopsy.”



A wife and husband go to a barn, the husband picks up a goat and says “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.” The wife says “Honey that’s a goat.” The husband replies with “I was talking to the goat.”



Wife: “I want another baby” Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one”