Wife Jokes

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

I jump off a cliff and said I hate you, dumb blond, and eagle...Then I said to my wife, "We're done, Blondie," and said to my friend, "You're a dumbhead eagle!"

My wife and I just decided we don't want to have children.

So if anyone wants them, our contact information is below.

If your wife says: “What would you most like to do to my body?” “Identify it” is the wrong answer.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.

Friend: Like what?

Me: My name, my address, my phone number...

Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.

Me: What? Am I dying?

Doctor: No, your wife is.

Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.

My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

My Wife: How much do you love me??

Me: Count all the stars.

My Wife: Aww, infinity.

Me: No, a waste of time.

I was digging in a garden once and found a chest full of gold. I wanted to show my wife, but then I thought about why I was digging in the first place.

What's the difference between my wife and her sisters?

Her sisters ate hotter, and I married the grenade.

My wife is a whore, so I pimped her out and broke her mentally and emotionally, taught her a good lesson of being a real woman loyal to her man. End of story, you women are bitches.

My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.

My wife said she wanted to leave me. She said it’s because of the abuse, but really, she’s the one abusing herself by drinking alcohol and got poisoning the next day. This shows almost half of the woman’s population is weak both physically and mentally.

What has two legs, two arms, one dead and covered in red?

My ex-wife.

What do you call lesbians having sex?

My cheating dyke ex-wife!

My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.

Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."

Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.