When jokes
What’s it called when you give an emo some rope as a present?
Murder.
I love my family when they're buried alive.
Yo mama so fat, when she went to a dating service, they ended up matching her up with Pittsburgh.
What did the tree say when it gets horny? My wood has a splinter.
Dogs say woof.
Cows say moo.
Idiots say, "The site will be less dead when school starts again!"
When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.
What's worse, being loved or hated? 'Cause when you're loved you could be left alone or be betrayed, but when you're hated no one's there to leave you. What do you think?
Who needs dating apps when you have family reunions?
In Africa, a koala and a kangaroo were very thirsty. The kangaroo said that when they have no water, they dig a hole and water comes out of it. Then the kangaroo dug, and in one minute the koala asked if there was any water. The kangaroo said no, and the koala had to wait for many minutes. Soon water came out of the hole, and then the koala jumped into the hole and drank water. The kangaroo wanted water too, so he tried to pull out the koala, but instead, his tail got chopped off, and then they never became friends again.
Why are orphans always so successful? Because when they're told "go big or go home," they only have one option.
A man walks into a bar. He sees a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer. He gets on his hands and knees and prays to God out loud. The bartender says, "Why are you praying?" He says, "Because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand."
I was at my drumming lesson and I accidentally dropped my drum stick when my sister made a terrible joke.
KA-DOOM-CHA!
What did the bee say to the flower?
"Hey bud! When do you open?"
How does a kid with no arms or legs like a video on YouTube when they say smash the like button?
They literally smash the like button "uuuuuugghghhhgBANG!"
What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?
Her miscarriage.
Why didn't Donald Trump pick up his phone when Jeffrey Epstein called him?
Because Donald killed Jeffrey Epstein in prison to hide the evidence.
What does a computer scientist do when someone tries to fight him?
He waves his arms like a space invader.
Your momma is so stupid, when someone said it’s chilly outside, she brought a spoon and bowl.
What did the people in 9/11 say when they got the wrong pizza? Man, they got it wrong, I wanted this shitty plane!
When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.
So they can let me down one last time.