When jokes
What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
When an orphan takes a pic, is it known as a family picture? 📸
Yo mama so fat, when she bought a fur coat, she made a whole species extinct.
What do you do when your cat's not home?
Answer: You play with your neighbor's pussy.
When you play Flappy Bird in 9/11, the bird is a plane and the obstacle courses are towers.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
Yo mama so ugly, when she tried to enter an ugly contest, they said they didn't allow professionals.
The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.
When someone saw your hairline, they thought it was a Dorito logo.
I was swimming in a pool on my vacation when a fan of mine approached me. He said he wanted an autograph and gave me a pen to sign it. I accidentally dropped the pen in the pool. Suddenly, Penaldo came out of NOWHERE and dove to save it. He said he always dives for pens.
Today, I had an exam in school. When I was done, I raised my hand and yelled, “Pisstiano Penaldo!”
My teacher smiled and took my paper. She knew I was finished.
what do you call it when a person dies in Panera Bread?
Panera dead.
I never do dark jokes, but when I feel like it, I prefer orphan jokes, 'cause they're the safest option. I mean, what are they gonna do, call their parents?
What do women and chess have in common? When you sacrifice the females and replace them, you are more likely to win.
When a cookie 🍪 wins a race, what will the crowd say?
“Chip Chip Hooray!”
Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her that she lost her mind, she went looking for it.
When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."
I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.
A Texan and an Alaskan walk into a room, and the Alaskan says, "My state is bigger." Then the Texan says, "It won't be when it melts."
When David lost his ID, I called him Dave. Where did Dave go during the bombing? Everywhere. Guess who came crawling back?