When jokes
I cried when my dad cut onions. Onions was such a good dog.
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One screams when you put it in a blender, and the other one is a cooperative little fruit.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?
The thing I don't like about shopping centers...
When you see one, you've seen a mall.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone!
What is it called when Bill Cosby and an illegal immigrant fight?
Aliens vs. Predator
What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?
When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.
So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.
The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
You're so poor, when you kicked a can, a man asked, "Are you moving?"
What do classical musicians do when they die?
They decompose.
what happens when the president turns emo?
the great depression.
The first priest asks the second, "How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?" The priest replies, "No clue... I close my eyes when I masturbate!"
Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Guy: "What's the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: "Good news?"
Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."
When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a Twinkie?
Nothing. They both squirt their white stuff when you eat it.
What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."
What do you get when you cross Donald Trump with Fregley?
Orange juice.
When a school shooter walks to the intercom and plays Pumped Up Kicks.
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!