When jokes

When you feel lonely, just watch a scary movie.

You won't feel lonely anymore :(

When the school shooter pulls the fire alarm, and the autistic kid thinks it’s a rave party.

The orphan started crying at school when he got suspended and had to go home.

Where did Sally go when the bomb went off? - Everywhere.

I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.

What's the difference between you and a fridge? The fridge doesn't moan when I put my meat in.

when Ted Bundy found out he was getting the death penalty, he was pretty shocked...

When I was in 4th grade, we wrote letters to kids in the hospital. I wrote: "It is a bumpy road but soon it will be a straight path." Not many people know I was talking about their heart monitor.

A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Why did the snail paint a big "S" on his car?

Because he wanted people to say look at that S-car go when he rolled by.

Why did the girl rage badly when she got an D- on her essay?

Because the teacher said she missed all her periods.

When earthquakes hit, coffins become maracas underground.

3/7 of a chicken, 2/3 cat, 1/2 goat. What do you get when you cross those?

Answer: Chi-ca-go

I remember when I was a kid, I thought the world used to be colorless.

I was kinda right. They used to not let colors in a lot of areas.

Why were the Twin Towers mad? Because when they spawned in a Minecraft world, all they got was plains.

Q: What did the cannibal shout when his friend fell on the floor?

A: "FIVE SECOND RULE!"

What's the difference between a feminist and Hitler?

Both were good at starting wars, only difference was Hitler knew when to kill himself afterwards.

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.