When jokes

A mushroom walks into a bar and tries to hit on a blonde. When she turns him down, he goes to her and says, "C'mon, I'm a fun guy!"

Someone said to me when it was winter it[’]s time for you to “chill out.” I was like 👁👄👁

What does a white person say when they're surrounded by black guys? "Hey, who turned the lights out?!"

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.

A turtle was walking down the street when suddenly a snail came and robbed him. When the police came, they asked what happened. The turtle responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?

Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.

A group of Astronauts, a Mechanic, a Pilot, & a Communications operator are on a very important mission to Mars when one of their solar panels gets grazed by a meteorite.

And so the Astronauts quickly assemble in the hull to wait for orders from the ground. Once the Communications operator turned on coms, their man on the ground told the Pilot to continue their course & to send the Mechanic out to fix the problem. As the Mechanic worked on finishing repairing the solar panel, the Pilot & Communications operator told each other dark jokes when out of nowhere a meteorite field appeared! The Ground operator frighteningly shouted "Get him back in the ship!" to the Communications operator. "Chill out, he'll be fine," The Pilot assured him. "Get him the hell out of there, that's an order!" The Ground operator argued. Then thirty seconds later the Communications operator came back from the air shoot & asked, "Now what?"

Why do orphans always go to white vans when someone asks?

Because they want to feel wanted.

Yo mama so fat that when she farted, Big Shaq took off his jacket.

What's an orphan's favorite part in the Wizard of Oz?

When Dorothy says, "There's no place like home."

When you have an ex, you will notice that the word "ex" is short for "executed," so that's there for yous.

Three scientists are doing an experiment. They are trying to find out what happens when you stick a cork in an elephant's ass.

In the lab, they each look at each other and decide that they should hire a monkey to do it. The monkey sticks the cork up the elephant's ass, and the scientists wait three weeks.

The monkey pulls out the cork, and all three scientists go back and discuss what they saw.

The first one, standing one mile away, says all he could see was a wave of brown, then it all went black. The second, standing two miles away, said the same. The third, who was standing three miles away, said all he could see was the other two get consumed by a massive cloud of brown.

"Yo mama so fat when she got buried it took them all the trees on Earth for her coffin."

You're so fat when you walk into the mall, you *are* the mall.

What is it called when you have four white people in the car?

Clear windows.

When someone says "Did I ask?" say "Then why did you respond?"

What happens when a computer thinks it knows better than a human?

Ask Boeing.

When your parents ask you to take out the trash, you knock out your brother, put him in a closet, and when your parents ask where he is, you say, "I took him out like you said."

You are so fat that when you go out to check your letterbox, it measures 8 on the Richter scale.

Your mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale the doctor asked for her weight, not her phone number.