When jokes

So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍

VOTING SEMIFINAL 2

LIKE: When the school shooter throws a smoke grenade into the classroom and the autistic kid thinks it’s a Disco party. 🕺🕺🕺

DISLIKE: When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say “This boy always had a fat ass”.

Vote for the better joke.

Why didn't Donald Trump pick up his phone when Jeffrey Epstein called him?

Because Donald killed Jeffrey Epstein in prison to hide the evidence.

When fat people smash, it must feel like a huge submarine hitting you.

What is the difference when I have my dick in your mouth or when you have yours in mine?

Oh, I forgot, you don't got one, bitches, suck my dick.

What happened when the gun dealer found his pistol in his shoe?

He found that he had a piece in his sole!

Brother 2: We have these weird circles on the street! Government is tracking us!!!

Brother 1: They are just to sense cars so they can change lights. And it's the government.

Brother 2: Then why are there two in the left turn lane?

Brother 1: So one car isn't always going left and stopping the others.

Brother 2: Then why are they one car apart? Oh, to have three people going.

Brother 1: Correct. When I see one car on the first, I go on the second so my light changes.

Brother 2: You monster.

Brother 1: I wonder if they trigger by weight?

Brother 2: HA. Yo mama would trigger the sensor.

Brother 1: ARG. It's OUR MAMA you're disrespecting.

Mother (brother 1): What's going on boys? *looks in mirror* HOLY SH@& SHE IS PRETTY!

Brother 2: I think you should take your pills.

Brother 1: Found them.

*imaginary mother and brother fade away*

Thank you ELECTROBOOM for inspiring this joke/sh!t. Go subb to him.

Btw the (1) means it is just imaginary brother one acting like another brother.

I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!

What time is it when you get home? Can you walk me home, and then get home? Then I can walk you home, and walk home.

What did the make-a-wish kid say when the Avengers turn up without Tony Stark?

"We are in the endgame now!"

What is it called when an art teacher has a heart attack?

An art attack!

How can you tell when your sister is on her period?

Your dad's knob tastes funny.

When Stephen Hawking entered Heaven and met with the Lord, after a short interview God asked: "Hey Stephen, I need you to explain to me how does all this stuff work?"

There were 500 bricks on a plane. One fell off.

Little Sally was crossing a river full of crocodiles. How did she survive the river? She had a gun. When she got out of the river, she died. Why? Because a brick fell on her head.

Do you guys know why women have small feet? It's because God created them to stand closer to the sink when they wash dishes.

Mary had a lamb. Her fleece was black as coal. When I tried to touch it that night, next day I went to court.

I have two things I wanna say:

1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.

2. wtf

I love it when cancer hits like a ton of bricks. The best part is when it kills people.

What did the brother cell say when the sister cell stepped on his foot? Ow, mitosis! (my toe, sis)

There was a woman named Sally. She loved to have sex with other people. One time, she had sex with me. I noticed her bra size was 69 (+69). That is fucking big!

Ok, then when her partner was pissing, he told her she should call the doctor. So she dialed 2063512000 (+2000) and called the doctor. The office was on 51st street ave NE (+51). Holy shit, the doctor said! The boots were so big that she had to take 8 pills (x 8). The next morning, she was ________.

69 + 51 + 2000 x 8 = 16120

58008 (flip calculator)

Boobless.