When jokes

Roses are red, the grass is greener, when I see you, I play with my wiener.

I was at school one day, and my teacher gave me homework. Once I got home, I did not do my homework, but I watched TV. After the movie, I finally went to go do my homework. I was almost done with my homework when I got to the last question. I didn't know the answer, so I asked the closest living being to me, which was my dog, and I asked him: what's two minus two? He said nothing.

What did the Orphan say when he Googled Orphan jokes?

I would say these jokes hit home, but there is no home to hit.

You are American when you walk into the bathroom, and you are American when you walk out.

But do you know what you are when you're in the bathroom? European.

When you play Flappy Bird in 9/11, the bird is a plane and the obstacle courses are towers.

One day a couple was walking when the man stepped on something hard and squishy, then they heard a sound from the bushes. Instead of looking down, they both ran.

Two years later, they turned on the TV to find Ted Bundy on trial. They asked him if he has ever been caught. He said, "No, but a couple was walking as soon as I killed a girl. I jumped into a bush. They didn't know I was there, but the man stepped on the dead body but didn't look down, then he and his girlfriend ran."

A pair of souls were floating up to heaven when they passed a pair of eagles.

"Ah, eagles," said the souls. The eagles were too polite to say anything.

Your mom is so fat that when she stood on a scale, it said, "We need an actual person, not an elephant!"

Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.

Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?

Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.

That awkward moment when you thought the guy was a pretty good magician, and only then realize he simply suffers from leprosy.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

What happens when a depressed kid try’s to high-five a tree?

The tree leaves them hanging.

Woman: What’s a good comeback for my sexist husband when he tells me to go make him a sandwich?

Husband: I know! How about you COMEBACK with a goddamn sandwich?

When your mom tells you there's a present in the laundry room,

The present: Laundry.

*gunshot*

What do you call it when an orphan takes a selfie?

A family portrait.

What do you do when a baby starts to cry?

You use more lube.

What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?

A clock.

What do you get when an American talks to an Aussie and a Kiwi?

Two Aussie.

Where do you take Stephen Hawking when he dies?

The Apple repair store.

Yo mama so fat when she went to the movie theater, she sits next to everyone.