When jokes

10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!

When do you go on red and stop at green?

A watermelon.

What did Santa say when he saw a pretty girl?

HO, HO, HO!

What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking you.

I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

What did the cell say when it was dividing?

"It's not you, it's me."

I was just sitting down when all of a sudden she screamed, "Help!"

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down a well?

Screamed till her hands fell off.

What do pedophiles do when they wake up?

Turn on the child safety lock on the car.

Joe Momma so fat when Santa came down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho, holy crap!"

What is the difference between a tree and when I walk home at night?

What did the skeleton get when he saw goth girls?......A boner.

When a deaf girl master baits, does she use the other hand to moan?

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma.

What gets long when you put it, slides into holes, and likes to squeeze between boobs?

A seatbelt.

Your mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, you missed two episodes.

What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer?

A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

I cried when my mom started to cut up onions... onions was a good dog.

Yo mama so fat, when she went up the elevator, the World Trade Center collapsed.

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.