When jokes

What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?

The sound when they hit the windshield.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.

When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...

What's the difference between Pink Floyd and George Floyd?

When Pink Floyd can't breathe, it's because all their fans are smoking pot.

The farmers were playing chess, and the winner shouted and said: "I killed your horse!"

The second quickly left, and when he returned he said: "We have poisoned all your cows!"

Marriage is really educational.

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.

When the emo girl is in a movie and the director says, "Cut."

How do blind people know when to stop wiping?

With a taste test.

Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.

It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.

Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.

There are 206 bones in the human body.

207 when I'm at a nursery.

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?

Chelsea Clinton.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.

You know you are from China when you use rice instead of glue.

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

When cops say you have the right to remain silent,

You're just happy you have the right to do something.

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.