When jokes
My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."
When recycling toilet paper, you really need to process the crap out of it.
Conversely, you can recycle a condom quite easily: just turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
Yo mama is so ugly, when she goes to the photographer, he shoots himself.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
One day a guy named Carson is called a jerk, and he says, "I went to a party with my girlfriend, and this random guy walks up to us and says, 'Can I borrow your girlfriend for 30 minutes?' I say yes, and he takes her upstairs. It was not only 30 minutes, but an hour. When she came back down, she was out of breath, so I knew it was a pretty intense conversation." This happens about 3 more times that night.
But as I was saying, only a nice guy would let his girlfriend make friends with other guys. 😊😇
Me: The last time I used Duolingo was when the dinosaurs went extinct.
Duolingo: Lemme send my twins 2 go 2 ur houze (I got sideways8 twins)
Yo Mama so thin, when she signed up to be a stripper she became the pole
What did the dog say when he got its tail caught in the door?
"It won't be long now..."
Q: What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?
A: One doesn’t scream when you try to chop it up.
What is the difference between onions and babies?
I cry when I cut onions.
What do you get when you cross the terms homeless and abandoned?
POORphan
What did the store manager say when they ran out of toilet paper?
We’re wiped out!
This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.
"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."
Q: How do you know it's time for bed at the Neverland Ranch? A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
What does Michael Jackson say when he gets hard? Ow!
When was the last time you saw yourself in the mirror?
What does a skeleton say when he has lots of work?
"I have a ton of work, skele-ton."
A man goes into a job interview and sits down.
The interviewer is looking over his resume and says, "I see here that there's a 4-year gap on your resume. What were you doing?"
The man says, "Oh, that was when I went to Yale!"
The interviewer is impressed and says, "That's great! You're hired!"
The man smiles. "Really? I'm so glad, because I really need this Yob."
The highest praise my wife gave to me was when she told me, "The best feminine attribute on your body as a woman would be your p🍆nis." 🥰