When jokes

"Sir, we noticed a 2-year gap in your resume."

"That was when I went to Yale."

"A Yale man? Well, you're hired!"

"Thanks! I really need this yob!"

When people are ready to die for their country:

Trust the Unionist Party.

Better than Reform.

I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

Oh wait, I'm thinking of...

Yo mama so dumb, when her computer was asking for cookies, she grabbed a cookie, smashed it onto the screen, and broke the computer.

Yo mama so fat, when she fell I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

So a girl says to her ex, "I can't get you out of my mind, the boyfriend I knew." The girl replies, "I see you in everything, like when I'm walking down the street, even at work, like trash cans are everywhere."

What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?

"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."

How can you make a woman scream your name when you have sex with her?

Change your name to "Rape."

What did the beach say when the tide came in?

"Long time no sea."

Why download Fruit Ninja when you have your arm?

Yo mama is so fat when she sees a bus full of white people, she thinks it's a Twinkie, lmao xd.

What did the brother cell say when the sister cell stepped on his foot? Ow, mitosis! (my toe, sis)

I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.

When you play Flappy Bird in 9/11, the bird is a plane and the obstacle courses are towers.

When you're banging the class slut and the school shooter says to leave his corpses alone.

When Chuck Norris breaks a mirror, the mirror gets seven years of bad luck.

A nut told me to eat him, so I did, but something weird happened. I turned into a nut, and when I poop, there were eggs there.