When jokes

The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain. "Quick, let's swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!"

Why did the orphan join the baseball team?

Because he knew when he got to third base he could head home.

You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.

What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

Yo mama so fat, when she jumped, I didn’t laugh, but the floor cracked up.

When you are trying to write a speech about Columbus, don't make a joke that he was on a seafood diet because the audience might think you and Columbus were fat. You know, 'see food, eat everything.'

You're so ugly that when your mama had you, she tried to give you away, but there was nowhere to give you.

What did Eminem do when he couldn't get some of his mom's spaghetti?

Well, he didn't make it back to recovery this time...

Sorry, I don't have a joke here... Just wondering how idiots end up here complaining about offensive jokes when you ended up here. You had to click that section on purpose, right? If you can't take it, piss the fuck off... If I'd be gay and I'd look up gay jokes and get offended... how stupid is that?

💪 💪 🏋️‍♂️ What do you get when you cross a physically disabled gay white male who works out at the gym, who is a bukkake slut, and a physically disabled gay white male who works out at the gym, who is a sex worker?

Cum Junkie.

When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"

Teacher: "I was an orphan when I was a kid."

Students: "oof"

Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"

Students: "Yeah, your parents."

What’s the difference between a microwave and a 10 year old girl?

The microwave doesn’t fart out blood and diarrhea when you pull your meat out.

What's the difference between a baby and a pizza?

One does not crow when you put it in an oven.

Hey guys, the prank for today is when I lied about feeling sick so I wouldn't have to go to school.

Introduction: This prank was committed a week ago! Around 5:00 a.m. in the morning!

1. I got out some eggs, milk, salt, and a little bit of mashed olives... well those are the main ingredients.

2. I mixed it all up for about 2 mins just to make it look really like barf...no going to school today!

3. I put it under the sofa just to give it some solid scent to it.

4. I fixed my breakfast eggs and bacon. Then when my mom comes down I...PULL OUT MY FAKE BARF!!!!! News flash make a fake excuse for her to leave! My excuse is "I need something its in my room I don't want to get cause it would waste time".

She fell for it. Then I pull out my FAKE barf which looks like real barf. Then you say or I said "Mom I don't feel so good"! News flash: Don't over sell it think about all that boring school work! and guess what she fell for it so I spend all day doing nothing...absolutely nothing!

Well that's the prank. Anymore pranks you want ask me in the comment section! Byeeeeeeeeeee

When the quiet kid has an argument with the school shooter, and you didn't get to pull out the AK.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

Why can't all guys be more like Kenny? He doesn't get all upset when his mom isn't in the mood.

A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.

He sat down in front of their graves and prayed, "I want to see your face again, mommy..." A miracle happened; his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.

The boy cried then said, "I want to see you too, dad." He looked at his father's grave, but nothing happened.

Suddenly, a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked, "Were you looking for me?"