When jokes
What do you call it when a Mexican and a pedophile fight each other?
Alien vs. Predator.
How do you know when it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
The big hand is on the little hand!
What's the difference between a gay and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
When I'm bored, I like to slap orphans. I mean, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?
There was a cowboy riding in a desert when he saw a little girl up ahead. He heard her crying, so he went up to her and climbed down from his horse and asked her: "Hey, what's going on? Why do you cry? Where are your parents? What happened?"
The girl said in a crying, sad voice, "The Indians came, killed my father and my mother, and raped my sister."
The cowboy just laughed, unlocked his belt, and pulled his trousers down and said, "Guess it isn't your day, is it?"
Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.
1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.
2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
Your mum is so fat that when she wore a yellow coat people called taxi!
What does a Chinese man say to his partner when having sex?
"Ching Chong Soc Mai Ding Dong"
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She choked.
What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?
"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."
Women be like, "Porn is how we get money," then get angry when boys treat women like shit because they seen it on porn.
If chickens wake up when the rooster crows, then when do ducks wake up?
At the quack of dawn.
What does Michael Jackson say when he stubs his toe?
Ow!
Whenever you wanna roast an orphan, say "yo mamma".
What’s the difference between an onion and a photo of a dead relative? Nothing, they both make you cry when you look at it.
Yo mama is so ugly, when she tried to join an ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, no professionals!"
Yo mama so fat that when the cashier at KFC asked her what size bucket she wants, she said "the one on the roof."
Fake emo: when I’m sad, I cut myself.
Real emo: same.
Fake emo: another piece of cake.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.