When jokes
I love when I could run through the grass and feel the wind on my face.
Then my mom told me to get off VR, and then I wheeled myself to her.
Your hairline is so bad, when people see the back of your head they say "nice beard!"
Are you a ghost train? Because I am going to scream when I ride you.
Just remembering the day when the Jets beat the New York Giants.
You think on a airplane when a muslim guy gets on, people look at him and think... "Aw, fuck."
What did the poo say when it fell out of your bum?
"Your anus looks like my mum's bedsheet which is smelly and covered in poo."
I also just wanted to add that a Goonie's anus looks like my nan's mouth.
What did the frog do when his car broke down?
It was toad.
Say this when you answer a spam call...
"Hi, welcome to Bob's Taco Shack and Funeral Home, where yesterday's grief is today's beef."
What do you call it when a guy named Fred enters Panera Bread?
Panera Fred.
What do you call it when Panera Bread gets painted red?
Panera Red.
What does a disabled disco play?
"When your legs don’t work like they used to before."
I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins.
I was about to run and tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden...
When I hit a home run, I finally felt what it was like to have a home.
What do you tell a suicidal person when they complain about their problems to you?
Just hang in there, man.
Yo mama so fat that when she went out in high heels, she came back in flip flops.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.
What did the creep do when the woman said, “Make yourself at home?”
He hid in her attic.
What’s the difference between an onion and a viola?
No one cries when they cut up the viola.
Why do violists stand for long periods outside of people's houses? They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.
Why do violists smile when they play? Because ignorance is bliss, and they don't know what can't hurt them.