When jokes
"Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.... All the king's horses and all the king's men, COULDN'T PUT HUMPTY TOGETHER AGAIN."
"Rock-a-bye, baby on the treetop when the wind blows the cradle will rock when the bough breaks the cradle will fall and down will come baby cradle and all
Rock-a-bye, baby on the treetop when the wind blows the cradle will rock
when the bough breaks the cradle will fall and down will come baby cradle and all"
Anyone else finding the hidden horror in these?
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common?
When you pull either one out in class, everyone all of a sudden wants to be your friend...
When do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat? -- When there's a sail on it.
What did the woman do when the armed police officer raped her?
Freeze.
At school, Bobby's classmate tells him some depressing stuff. Later that day, Bobby comes home crying and his mom greets him at the door with "Why are you crying?" Bobby says, "Someone said my grandpa died, but when did he die?" His mom looks him straight in the eye and says, "Depends, which one are you referring to?"
Your hairline goes so far back it went back to when Earth was created.
I’m happy to be with my EA when I go to school.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.
What did Cinderella do when she got the ball?
She gagged and took it like a champ.
What happened when the cheetah took too many baths?
He became spotless!!!
Don’t cry when you attend my funeral, I was dead long ago so why cry now?
when is rape wrong on so many levels?
inside a lift.
What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.
What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?
"Wait, I can explain everything!"
My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.
Then I asked him how many years ago.
He replied with, "When were you born?"
What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?
"I C D K"
You know what I see?
DICK
I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.
I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."
He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"
"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."