When jokes
You're walking alone on a street when a person slaps you with a silk glove and runs away. As you watch them run, 2 cops are chasing them.
What do you do when your cat's not home?
Answer: You play with your neighbor's pussy.
What do you call it when an orphan goes to Panera Bread?
"Panera, my parents are dead."
A 10 year old girl lays in her bed and excitedly waits for Santa to come. When Santa eventually comes she giggles, shivers, and orgasms.
Finally, as a special thank you, she sucks off Santa’s wet cock.
What do my little brother and a vagina have in common?
They both ooze blood 🩸 when punched.
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.
Chemistry joke: Why did the Superman being normal people when a krypton was at him?
Because krypton is "stable."
Yo mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed three episodes.
I was swimming in a pool on my vacation when a fan of mine approached me. He said he wanted an autograph and gave me a pen to sign it. I accidentally dropped the pen in the pool. Suddenly, Penaldo came out of NOWHERE and dove to save it. He said he always dives for pens.
What does a wife and a boombox have in common?
They only work when you beat them.
When the school shooter is gonna clap the football team but his AK jams: “Take it easy guys, I was just joking!”
When you're playing online with your friend, then you hear a kid scream: "No, Dad, please stop!" Scream ends with a gunshot.
It's sad when you sit around waiting for mom to make dinner, and then you realize you are the mom.
When a Muslim dies, he gets 72 virgins.
It's the same thing with priests, except the virgins are children.
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
A man walks over to a little boy and asks, "Wanna see my tattoo of a bunny?"
The little boy replies with, "Yes please, I love bunnies!"
The man proceeds to pull his pants down and said, "Can you see it yet?"
The little boy curious says, "No, where is it?"
The man says, "Dig a little deeper, he runs into the hole when he gets scared!"
There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?
The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!
What do you do when an orphan is taking a photo?
Yell "FAMILY PICTURES!"
How did Steven Hawkings die?
His wife tripped over his charging plug when he was at 2% battery.