When jokes

When I die, I want to be shot out of a cannon.

And into a children's birthday party.

When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,

Then the speed bump starts screaming.

The moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.

What did the girl say when she ran through the door?

Ouch.

When deaf people see someone yawning, do they think they're screaming?

What happens when a guy is in a pool with a deck and no one is around? The guy has to pee, get up on the deck, and stick it between the bars and pee.

When you have a bladder infection,

You're in trouble. 😜

What did Santa say when he saw a pretty girl?

HO, HO, HO!

Three men are shipwrecked on a jungle island and taken prisoner by the residing cannibals. They are all told to walk into the jungle and come back with one piece of fruit. They go in and the first man comes out with a peach. He is instructed to shove it in his ass, and if he laughs, he will be killed. He tries and dies.

The second man comes back with a grape and is instructed to do the same. When the two meet at the pearly gates, the first man says, "I had a peach. They're fuzzy. You had a grape. What's your excuse?"

"Well, I was doing fine until I saw Jimmy come out of the brush with a pineapple."

I hate it when I accidentally eat out my dog, lol.

What did the dog say when he came home from a long shift at work? Today was ruff.

When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.

What did kings say when they were made king?

Allah ail (All hail) [insert name here]!

What did Thanos say when he snapped his finger? Another one bites the dust.

What is it called when 21 Savage and 6ix9ine fight: Alien vs. Predator?

When someone says, "Jesus," I say, "Bitch, where?"

When earthquakes hit, coffins become maracas underground.

Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"

Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."

Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"

So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."

Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.

Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."

"Really?" asked a little girl.

"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."

What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?

Dam.