When jokes
Why did people take Stephen Hawking's to the hospital when we should have took him to Curry's PC World?
I dated a German girl, it was very annoying when she kept on screaming her age and moaning.
You're at your girlfriend's house for a family dinner. Your GF says, "Daddy, please pass me the salt," when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.
Did you know pigeons die after sex?
At least when I fucked it.
A blond and her brunette friend were chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her.
To not be outdone, the blond retorts:
"That's nothing! Once we were in the kitchen, I can't believe I didn't see it coming. One minute I turned, and he just got it all on my face! It was so thick and hard! It covered my mouth, my nose, my shoulders, and eyes. It even got in my hair, and when I looked up at him, all he could say was, 'Whoops! The flower went everywhere!'"
What do you get when you cross a cow with a fish?
A genetically unstable animal that is impossible and would die instantly upon existing. If it could live, it would be a deformed, parasitic tumor that undulates through people.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.
When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
What happens when you suck?
You succ.
When you go to your girlfriend's house but accidentally go into her dad's room and fuck him anyway.
What did the cell say when it was dividing?
"It's not you, it's me."
What do you call skeletons having sex?
When the relationship is dead, but you're still fucking.
Yo mama so hairy that when she go to the hair salon they say, "No pets allowed."
What is the last thing that goes through a fly's head when it hits the windshield?
Its butt.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.
Yo mama so fat when she asked for a bathtub, they put a blanket over an ocean!
What did the stop sign say to the street sign when he couldn't read a map?
"Can you give me some pointers?"
How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."
What did the ocean say when it saw the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.