When jokes
When you’re fucking your boss and realize it’s a family business.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.
“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.
I love it when candy canes are in mint condition.
What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!
When it's cold outside, men can cut ice in three places.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.
What did the other fish say to that fish when he hit the wall? Dumb Bass.
I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."
When the school shooter finally leaves your classroom, but then the autistic kid next to you's sketchers light up.
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?
They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
Refrigerators don't queef when you pull your meat out.
What do you call it when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.
What do you do when an orphan takes a family photo?
A selfie.
Three scientists are doing an experiment. They are trying to find out what happens when you stick a cork in an elephant's ass.
In the lab, they each look at each other and decide that they should hire a monkey to do it. The monkey sticks the cork up the elephant's ass, and the scientists wait three weeks.
The monkey pulls out the cork, and all three scientists go back and discuss what they saw.
The first one, standing one mile away, says all he could see was a wave of brown, then it all went black. The second, standing two miles away, said the same. The third, who was standing three miles away, said all he could see was the other two get consumed by a massive cloud of brown.