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When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters

'PNEIS'

and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors.

What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?

Her miscarriage.

When you're in the war and you die and say to God, "Where is the gulag?"

What did the chicken say when he saw a human running around uncontrollably?

"It's running around like a chicken with its head cut off!"

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

"I hate when people make 9/11 jokes because my grandfather died during the Twin Tower attacks. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia."

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    • Me: When I saw an orphan on the street in rags.

    Also me: Are you okay?

    Orphan: Yeah, what gave it away?

    Me: Because you have no family.

    When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

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    • The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."

    A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.

    Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'

    The patient said, "When will this be over?"

    The doctor said, "After you die."

    The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"

    The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."

    The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"

    What is the difference between a normal joke and a dad joke?

    When it leaves and never comes back.

    Yo mama is so fat, she couldn't even fit through the rabbit hole at first because she ate like a damn pig last night when we had dinner.

    What do you tell your butt cheek when you need to use the bathroom? "Hold it in, so you won't get constipated and die."

    When you're a terrorist and you have a stutter.

    A a a a a a a a ala ala ala ala ala alaog alaogbar.

    Your classmate: You're so ugly.

    Me: That's what your mom said when she had you and called you a mistake.

    Little Johnny was playing with dick when his teacher walked in the room. She asked him what he was doing, he said Im doing my homework. The teacher saw how big his cock was and asked him to have sex with her. He willingly did so. Little johnny was already 25 so it didn't matter. The only thing was that he was homeschooled.

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