When jokes
My builder was extending my basement when he questioned me because he found three dead kids in a corner tied together.
I started crying when my dad was chopping onions.
Onions was such a good dog!
If I was a poo, I’d be the one that gets stuck to the bottom of the shitter when no one wants ya xox.
Yo mama is so fat that she is not wrong when she says the world revolves around her.
What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?
They melted him down and turned him into Lego, so kids could play with him for once.
What did the pretty young pre-pubescent 14 year old boy say when he got a homosexual pedophile for Christmas?
He said he was awfully touched!
A penis is driving a car when all of a sudden it gets hit by a car, what did the penis end up saying?
Aaaawwwww I got dicklash!
How did Jesus kill himself?
He fell from his bike.
How many times did he die?
Once on a bike and once when he fell from a cloud in Heaven.
Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂
Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.
Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.
I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
It is reported that when Churchill met Stalin at Yalta, they discussed their hobbies.
Churchill said: "I collect the jokes people tell me about me."
"That's a coincidence," said Stalin, "I collect the people who tell jokes about me."
You know I want an ADHD cure.
When?
Squirrel!
What do you call an idiot who walks on the road when cars are coming?
Fresh roadkill.
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
What did the tree say when it gets horny? My wood has a splinter.
When someone says you're an orphan, say, "At least I was wanted, unlike you!"
Roses are red, violets are blue, when I saw you I thought of the zoo and monkeys too!
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot?
Mitosis!!! (my-toe-sis)
Why are Amoebas so bad at math?
Because, when they need to multiply, they divide.
I went to a sleepover at my best friend's house. He lives with his grandpa and little brother, his mom and dad. His little brother likes to run around the house naked sometimes. I can't help but notice his grandpa always looks up when he does.
Little Red Riding Hood has to deliver food to her grandma again. She can drive now because she is sixteen. One the way, she accidentally took the wrong way and got to a different forest where her grandma lives now. She found the wrong cottage that looked like her grandma's home. When she opened the door, she found her younger and older sisters of ages 9, 11, 18, and 22. How old is Little Red Riding Hood?
Answer: 16