Whats jokes
What’s the difference between a zit and a catholic priest?
A zit waits till you’re 13 to come on your face
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Guy: "What's the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: "Good news?"
Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."
What do you call a bear without an ear?
B.
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
What did the salad say to pineapple?
"Lettuce be friends."
What do you call pedophiles on a beach? Pedos in Speedos.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?
I give a fuck if my computer crashes.
What's the difference between cake and pie?
πr2, cakes are round.
What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?
"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."
What animal is best at hitting a baseball? -- A bat.
What's worse than ten dead babies nailed to one tree?
One dead baby nailed to ten trees.
Little Johnny was playing with dick when his teacher walked in the room. She asked him what he was doing, he said Im doing my homework. The teacher saw how big his cock was and asked him to have sex with her. He willingly did so. Little johnny was already 25 so it didn't matter. The only thing was that he was homeschooled.
Man walks into a bar and sees a bear serving drinks... Sits down looking astonished. The bear says, "what's the matter you never saw a bear serving drinks?" The man says, "it's not that, I just never thought the moose would sell the place."
What is the opposite of a lady finger?
Answer: Mentos.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
What's an orphan's favorite part of a website?
The homepage.
What's the difference between WW2 kamikaze planes and 9/11?
One of the missions succeeded.
What do you call a black person with a gun? Black ops.
What do a school shooter and a lightbulb have in common? They both light up the classroom. 🤡💀
Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: What?
Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!
Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?