Water jokes
Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.
I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.
That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!
How do you boil holy water?... You boil the hell out of it!
What happens when water loses its bottom jaw?
It had a hurt o-chin (ocean)!
What do you get when you mix an apple with water... applesauce. Wait, do not leave yet. If you are still reading this, you have been rekt, ha ha. At least I am still laughing.
A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.
They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.
The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.
The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.
The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.
When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.
The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."
The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"
The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"
The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"
Why can't Jesus walk on water anymore?
For the same reason a ship won't stay afloat with holes in the bottom.
You're so skinny, if you take a bath you look like you're in an ocean. 🛀🏊♂️
Captain of the Titanic: “Where’s all that f***ing water coming from?”
What did the two oceans say to each other?
Nothing. They just waved.
My mom walks in a bar and the bartender says "water?" saying "we only sell beer!"
What did the shark say after he ate the clownfish?
"This taste a little funny."
What do you call fallen water? A waterfall.
Two people were on a boat. They were afloat on water!
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam.
What did the retard say when the water too deep?
"Deep deep."
I went fishing while watching porn, and my girlfriend said, "Well, you want my fish?" and I said, "But you're not in the water."
What do you call a bottle of water flying over Africa?
A UFO.
- All over it like a fat kid on a cupcake.
- Giggling like a room full of fat kids.
- Drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers and 3 shots in 3 hours goes down like a fat kid on a seesaw.
"Among Us" tea water.
If O2 is H2O, what is F?
It is H2O too; F is water as well.