Water jokes
A drunk walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that douchebag a drink."
The bartender says, "You can't talk like that! This is a respectable establishment, I'm going to throw you out!"
The drunk says, "Okay, I'm sorry. I'd like to buy the lady a drink."
The bartender goes to where the woman is sitting and says, "The, ah, gentleman at the end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, what will it be?"
She says, "Vinegar and water."
We almost drowned when we went out boating, but I got a watermelon to keep me floating.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Abajo.
Abajo who?
I have abajo of water with me.
So, this guy walked into a cannibal bar. The barista asked him what he wants, and the man ordered water. Then he left, because he wasn't a cannibal and just wanted a glass of water.
Jay and Andrew are best friends who are almost alike. The difference between them both is Jay is poor and well... Andrew, on the other hand, is suck-a-dick poor. Let me explain, Jay wakes up in his room, walks to the kitchen, and asks his mom, Lisa (I call her Lisa now, btw), if there is anything to eat. "No, bitch!" she replies, so Jay drinks a glass of milk and goes back to bed.
Now Andrew... wakes up, jumps out of bed, and he's in the kitchen. He sees his mom fixing some food for work after a long hard night of giving her husband blue balls. "Anything left for me, Mother?" Andrew asks. "Sorry, Honey, I have to eat to put food on the table and to get the running again." *so she goes to work, taking her time* Andrew sits by his bedside and says to himself, "Man... I'd suck a dick for some water right now." *his mom storms back after hearing what he had said* "I'll buy you a soda if you do my first customer for me!"
Q: Why doesn't a skeleton mother drink water?
A: Because it gives her more work!
Why did the guy get the hose?
Because the girl was smoking hot.
What happens when a sink on the Titanic overflows?
It sinks it.
What does a shark smoke? Sea-weed.
How do whales breathe underwater? They take a deep meth.
The Titanic basically nominated all the passengers for the ice bucket challenge.
What’s long, yellow, and doesn’t float?
A school bus filled with children.
Water?
What’s heavy, black, and can’t swim?
Ted Kennedy’s Oldsmobile Delmont 88 with Mary Jo Kopechne trapped inside.
Why can Jesus walk on water?
Because rubbish floats.
What's the difference between a rapist's mouth and a sewer?
Nothing, they both spout shit.
So I walked into my bathroom to clean some stuff, and no one ever told me you can't put phones in the bathtub!
How do you get a million fowl?
You run through Africa with a bullet of water.
I hope you have to dip your Oreos in water because your dad never came back with the milk.
What the hell dam, hell dam?
I put my fish on a leash so I could teach him to walk. Then I took him out for a walk. Then, when I put him back in the tank, he stopped moving.