Violence jokes
What do you call a five year old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
My friend threw a soccer ball at a disabled kid.
We all yelled "Rocket league!"
When you're in the middle of a test and you hear gun shots.
How did "Bloody Mary" become a thing?
Because her husband beat her bloody when she didn't stay in the kitchen.
I was trying to tell some people here to stop, but then I found out that the S was covered in blood from me assaulting someone.
My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.
What animal has five legs? A pitbull returning from a playground.
Why couldn't the rape victim run away?
Because she was dead.
Why is it okay to hit an orphan?
Not like they can tell their parents.
I wanted to bomb a restaurant, so I went in there with a bomb, but the bomb got diffused and did not work.
I asked a person standing nearby. I said, "Hey, do you know how to fix this bomb so I can blow up this place?"
He gave me a book.
It was the Quran.
I said, "What the hell is that?"
He said, "This is the official manual for bomb making."
A pirate walks into a tavern with a pirate ship attached to his nutty wuttys. It's driving me nuts!
A troll proceeds to pull out a desert eagle and shoot the pirate in the face. He makes a poggers face and says, "Problem??"
Why did Sally get a black eye?
Because she tried to play patty cake.
What do you call a school bus with 30 kids?
A killstreak.
Jack and Jill went up to an abandoned house.
Jack drank too much and unzipped his fly. Jack said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "No." So Jack locked both of them in the house and put a gag in Jill's mouth, tied her to a bed. He ripped off her dress and underwear. He took off his pants and his underwear too, then put on a condom. He then put a pill in her mouth and made her swallow. One minute later she was asleep. He took off her gag and mounted himself on her, then stuck his "candystick" in her mouth, next her fanny. Then his condom broke, but he was too drunk to notice. Nine months later a baby's born and Jack's in jail as the father.
When your mom says it will all be ok if you just......... *there is blood on the floor*
How are babies and watermelons similar?
They are both fun to smash open with a sledgehammer and eat the insides.
Me and my friends were having a party the other day when some bitch came bitching about the noise. Thankfully, she was hot and had a nice ass, so it was enjoyable raping her.
The next day when I woke up, I found her body only half eaten. Her lower body was still intact, so I went for seconds to fuck off the hangover. Then I had breakfast. Her ass tasted good with some ketchup.
Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?
Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.
How long does it take a baby to cook in the microwave?
I don't know. I close my eyes when I masturbate.
My friend said onions only cry, so that's why I threw a coconut at him.