Violence jokes

I heard guns kill people, so I gave up my right to own one.

Then I heard dicks rape people, so I chopped it off.

What’s the best part about putting a baby in a blender feet first?

Watching their expression change.

I am the ice cream man running over fat kids with my van. If you touch my van, I’ll smack you in the face with a frying pan. If you steal ice cream, I’ll shoot you in the face with a fudge machine.

So I told an orphan to slap themselves until they are wanted. I came back the next day to see them slapping themselves. Then I stopped them and told them to punch themselves.

The next day I saw a dead orphan.

Have you heard about the guy whose friends teased him because he pays for sex? He doesn't pay anymore.

Little Johnny is my son, and he got hit by a semi-truck owned by a Russian. Now I am on my way on a nuclear submarine with a Burger King Whopper to Moscow, then take revenge for little Johnny!

I punched an orphan and told him to go back to his parents and tell them about it... Oh, wait.

What did the guy tired of hearing people joke about rape do?

He killed everyone on this f#cking website.

I awoke after being raped and was shocked to find my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.

Whenever you're mad, just punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

I bought a silencer for my gun, but I don't think it works.

My victims still scream.

What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

The other day I started watching Game of Thrones.

I told my friend about it. Told him all about the violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest, and inbreeding... And he was like: "Oh, so you're still on the first episode then?"

The kids at Robb Elementary School went in to read books. Instead, they got dozens of magazines.

Why are school shootings branded “very American”?

1. They usually happen in the USA.

2. They’re like the Fourth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming.

It's impossible to rape a rapeist because rapeists want sex.

I never understood school shooting jokes.

I guess they were aimed at younger audiences.

The terrorists got a killstreak of 2,996; they are popping off, bro.

A woman prayed to be a mother everyday for many years until she crossed a road without looking and got hit by a woman driver and died.

When she met God, she asked Him, "How come you didn't answer my prayers?"

God replied, "I did. I kept sending men to rape you, but you kept on choosing to destroy my creations by having an abortion."

I will unplug your life support to kill my mum and give her it so she can bleed more.