Violence jokes
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
You shoot him in the face.
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
What's black, blue, and red, laying in a ditch?
You after you disrespect me.
A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"
The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."
How many babies does it take to paint a barn red? Well, it depends on how hard you throw them.
So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.
But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."
So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.
This was the best day of my life.
This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.
Do nothing about people falling down the stairs, it will keep happening.
Put razor blades on the stairs, it will be their last time falling down the stairs.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
The baby cries when I cut it, but an onion makes me cry when I cut it.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Get in the van, or I'll kill you.
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?
You punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.
Two boys are talking on the bus.
Boy 1: I feel like I'm forgetting something.
Boy 2: Hey, did you hear about that school shooting last week?
Boy 1: Oh, that's right.
How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
A straw.
If you wanna hit somebody, hit an orphan, what are they gonna do... tell their parents?
How do you paint a wall red?
You shoot a baby with a .50 cal.
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
Q: What did the man say after removing another man's hat? A: He was decapitated.
Suicide bombers, carry bombs and remember to breathe.
What is it called when a gay guy punches someone?
Fruit punch.