What do you use to strap an eagle's nest together?
An eagleastic band!
God: “Stephen join us” *sees the staircase to heaven*. Stephen: “shit”
I was using my computer one time and I pressed Ctrl-Alt-Delete and Stephen Hawking went into a deep sleep
Dying mall be like...
Toys were us
Goodbye kitty
Dying Canes
Kiwis forehead is so big when he leaves to go to work he has to use a sunroof to drive 😏
Why doesn't the gun and orphan have in common? The gun is actually useful.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
What’s the difference between me and Chester Bennington? I know how to use an exercise band.
I have to say my humor isn't the best, but I'll give this a go.
My science teacher always reminded us about kilometers per second. Now I want to kilometer per second.
You know those credit card inserters at Walgreens? I want to insert my credit card on my wrist.
I'll shut up now.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
I like women how I like my hair dryer, locked in a closet most of the time, and only being used to blow me dry
If I was an object in this world I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shity book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety
Help me....
Dear Hearing People. We, deaf people, ain’t dead. We can use our hands to talk, eat & fist your face to give you some 💡 awareness that we can understand you 💯 meanwhile we laugh at you 🤡 We Can even dance via vibration through music. Do you know the song W lyric like this 👇 *white b.... accent: Ohhh.. MY God BECKY.. L👀k at her butt. IT is SO BIG. *BIG BEAT DROP* I...LIKE...BIG...BUTT...I cannot LIE 👻 I promise we ain’t ghosting around - Brittany Rose
PLS WRITE UR COMMENT
BUT DO NOT USE WORDS LIKE MONKEY DONKEY LOSER ETC
all of us
Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives. condoms 99 percent effective birth controll 99 percent effective ect just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time ( only cost 20 years in jail ;)
Look at the bright side ☀️😁! The worst 😔 is behind us.
Why are the best used guns from France ? Because they have never been fired and they have only been dropped once.
Knock knock!! Whos there?? Dishwasher!! Dishwasher who?? Dishwasher way i used to talk when i got my head kicked in
My friend that use to be married was making jokes about me being short then I told him you're marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal
