Use jokes

What were Brian Cant's last words before he died?

"I used to do it, but now I cant!"

Momma's so fat, she can use her belly button as a breakfast bowl.

What does a cow use in school? A cowculator.

If a wizard gets robbed by a muggle, has he been muggled?

What caused Captain Hook's death?

He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.

Yo momma so fat, her four kids use her as a bed and her fat rolls as cozy blankets.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.

One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”

Anybody can use this :)

Slow and steady wins the race, but it won't fix your ugly face. 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" he said.

"Mate, it's 2025, you can use any printer you want," I replied.

Why didn’t Harry Potter use the chamber to teach Dumbledore’s army?

Because at one point poisonous gases were put in it.

Tuesday, I was looking at my family tree, and two dogs were using it.

For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

What did Columbus use to cross the ocean?

He used a bus.

Rocks are used too much; people take 'em for granite.

I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.

Why is it that the Libertarian Party never had a formal president of the United States that ran as a Libertarian that had a presidential library?

Because the Libertarian Party is the party of principle. The Libertarian Party was founded in 1971 and the Libertarian Party has not won a presidential election since 1972, because the Libertarian Party doesn't believe in using force to achieve political and social goals.

I wanted to see if she was anorexic, so I threw a Funyun at her to see if she'd use it as a hula hoop or inhale it.

When your friend gets involved with someone, it affects the friendship. Whenever a friend of mine has a new girlfriend, we should say I looked like the person you used to know, but I've been modified to survive in this relationship. If we have an argument and she's there, I might disagree with you; I'd rather continue to see her naked.

Your mom is so ugly that she uses Snapchat filters to make her pretty.