Use jokes
We split because she would always say I never listen, or something like that.
A telescope has two uses:
1. To look in space. 2. To see your hairline.
Your hairline's so far back even Bill Nye the Science Guy couldn't use photosynthesis to fix it.
What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?
One is dangerous for kids if put on their face, the other one is used to carry groceries.
Why can't orphans use a phone?
Because they don't have a home screen.
I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...
I used to be emo.
What does a disabled disco play?
"When your legs don’t work like they used to before."
Your forehead is so big I could use it to get free TV.
What do whales use to rub out a mistake in their homework? Their blubber.
Why was the chicken in trouble?
For using fowl language!
Why was the piano waiting at the front door?
Because it forgot which key to use!
Your hairline design was used as the Batman logo!
It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.
You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?
When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...
...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)
One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.
Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."
9/11 is like genders.
There used to be two of them, and now it’s a touchy subject.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.
What pronouns does Michael Jackson use? Hee/hee.
Did you hear about the lesbians who are suing their contractor?
He used nails when they wanted tongue and groove.
What do crows use when they get a phone?
A "CAWing" card!
Hey, 2nd Amendmenters! Wanna know what gun Jesus used during his time?
What?
A nail gun!