Use jokes

GRAVEYARD SAVINGS:

While leafing through our local newspaper, I noticed this classified ad: “For sale: one used tombstone. Splendid opportunity for a family named Dingle.”

What do stomata use to fill their pools?

Chlor-ine.

A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.

The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"

You wanna know the difference between a rake and your mom? The rake is actually useful.

I lent my calculator to a friend. He is using it to this day.

My dad always used to beat me, but he never beat cancer.

My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.

Why can't Asian people use a telephone?

Because they might wing the wrong number.

Q: How do you cover a Chinese's eyes?

A: Use dental floss.

I used to be a banker...

But then I lost interest.

Why did Stephen die so early?

He didn't use long lasting batteries.

"Hi, Mrs. Jackson, can Matt come out and play?"

"Oh, Johnny, you know Matt doesn't have any arms or legs."

"I know, we just wanted to use him as third base."

A white woman was caught on video using racial slurs and assaulting two black students. She was charged with "interpreting" a black police officer.

Yo mama so stupid, she used a fork to save the milk from the cereal.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Snow.

Snow who?

Snow use, you wouldn't get it.

How did the pornstar cut herself while using a drill?

She was too used to grabbing the tip.

Bro, my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse.

The other day he said he couldn't hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...

Man: Why can't an orphan use Verizon?

Kid: Why?

Man: 'Cause they have a family plan.

Kid: Oh, then I need to switch phone services then.

Man: Why?

Kid: I'm an orphan.

Man: *laughs out loud* That's tough!

(You can tell the joke shortened by saying, "Why can't an orphan use Verizon? 'Cause they have a family plan.")

What's white, red, blue, and brown all over?

The American flag I used to wipe my ass with.

I told a kid in a wheelchair, "Use your nitro boosts!"