Use jokes

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

What do Jesus and I have in common? Our dads left us...

Holy shit there's so many yo mama jokes. Here's mine: Yo mama so skinny she used a cheerio as a hula hoop.

Yo mama so fat that she made a plane unstable and crashed it into the Twin Towers.

Yo mama so old that she has Jesus's autograph.

Yo mama so ugly that not even makeup can save her.

Yo mama so dumb that she thought Rocket League was a competition between kids in wheelchairs.

The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."

The little camel asks his mother: "Mum, why do we have these big humps?"

"Because in these humps there is some water, and in the hot desert we can drink."

"And Mum, why do we have this large fur?"

"Because the desert at night is so cold, and then we don’t feel cold."

"And Mum, why do we got these big hoofs?"

"Because the desert sand is hot, and the hoofs save us from the hot sand."

"But Mum, what the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?"

There is one rapist among us.

I saw a guy raping a girl in the park, so I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against the two of us.

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.

Technically, a human is hollow. We have an empty tube through us from the mouth and nose to the asshole and dick or pussy. We are basically tubes.

When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."

Yo mama so fat, she uses the equator as her belt.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.

I have a pen, I have an Apple, um, Apple pen.

The Taliban had a plane, the US had a building boom, 9/11.

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.

Roses are not always red, Violets are violet, not blue. Irises are never red, Petunias can be kinda blue.

What does this tell us 'cept you can't trust a poet to tell the truth.

There was a girl I used to date, only to find out that she used to be a man. You could say, she put me in a trans.

"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."

Used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask...

Yet here I am, stuck at home in this COVID-19 "Thriller," beating it...

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.