Use jokes

American: How do you use a PC?

Amish: We use a potato.

What do cows use to do their homework? A cowculator.

How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using a computer?

There is sperm on the screen.

What’s the difference between a tire and three-hundred-sixty-five used condoms?

One’s a good year; the other’s a great year!

Johnny had 55 pineapples. He threw three at his friend. How many does he have now?

None, because he was pistol whipped then shot at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun covered in fluoroantimonic acid which burned a hole in his skull causing his brain to melt and rupture nerve cells all over his friends. Then his arms and legs were stuffed into a wheat thresher which was used to harvest the meat of the enslaved children. Then his corpse was molested.

Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.

"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."

"Oh, cool."

"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."

"Makes sense."

"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."

"Where's Trump's clock?"

"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."

And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.

Why are Palestinian boys so eager to grow a beard?

So they can use their mum's ID to get in the club.

I used to be a baker, but I decided to quit my job and stick my dough inside WOMEN’S bakeries.

I told a kid in a wheelchair that he should use his rocket league booster.

We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Biden, no cash, and no hope.

Why does Joe Biden like cold weather? Because he’s used to being in the teens.

Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.

Have you ever heard of the Russian politician who was so afraid of the dark that, instead of going to the bathroom at night, he would use a metal tin that he kept underneath his bed?

His name is Vladimir Pootin.

Why do women only use their left arm? Because they don’t have rights.

What do cows use for math? A cow-culator 😏

Who used to say, "Who loves orange soda?" Kel loves orange soda. Yes, I do, do, do, doooo! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes, I dooooo! Kel Mitchell from Kenan and Kel.

I used to have a skeleton of jokes, now my supply is bone dry. Guess I wasn’t that femurous.

You know what pun is used for "waist?"

Nothing. You'll find nothing.

It's just a waste of time.

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the "p" is silent.

I knew a guy who used to sell wrenches. He was all torque.