Use jokes
Little Johnny was late to school one day, and Miss Brown asks, "Johnny, how come you're late to class?" And Johnny says, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and started fucking the white cow." Miss Brown said, "Johnny, don't use that word. Next time you want to say that, use the word 'surprised'."
The next day Johnny was late again, and Miss Brown said, "Johnny, why are you late?" And Johnny replied, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and 'surprised' the white cow." Miss Brown said, "That's much better, Johnny." And Johnny said, "Yeah, walked straight passed it and started fucking the black one."
What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?
There used to be two, but now it's a sore subject.
My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?
What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.
Why are emos useful in stores? A: Their barcodes give them discounts.
If Hitler was a comedian, he would use laughing gas.
Why don’t Asians use phones?
Cuz they wing da wrong number!!!
How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.
I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on the floor. But only for like twenty seconds.
Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?
I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.
Your mamma so fat she has to use the equator as her belt.
I'm so skinny, I could use floss as a noose.
Yo mama so fat, she uses a mattress as a diaper.
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
"My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say, "Knock knock." We’d say, "Who’s there?" Then she’d say, "I can’t remember"... and start to cry."
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.
I used to believe everything in the Bible until I read about the Jew giving out the free fish.
A white woman was caught on video using racial slurs and assaulting two black students. She was charged with "interpreting" a black police officer.
What do people that can only use half their face and wankers have in common?
They have both had a few strokes.
When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.
But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!