Use jokes

Why are emos useful in stores? A: Their barcodes give them discounts.

What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.

Why don’t Asians use phones?

Cuz they wing da wrong number!!!

How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.

I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on the floor. But only for like twenty seconds.

Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?

I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.

Your mamma so fat she has to use the equator as her belt.

I'm so skinny, I could use floss as a noose.

Yo mama so fat, she uses a mattress as a diaper.

The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:

"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."

The commander starts answering:

"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"

"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"

"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"

After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:

"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"

"My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say, "Knock knock." We’d say, "Who’s there?" Then she’d say, "I can’t remember"... and start to cry."

I used to believe everything in the Bible until I read about the Jew giving out the free fish.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

A white woman was caught on video using racial slurs and assaulting two black students. She was charged with "interpreting" a black police officer.

When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.

But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!

A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.

The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"

Yo mama so fat, she has to use pillowcases for socks.

How do you trick a homophobic heterosexual male that is a Roman Catholic priest into using the glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar?

Tell him that it is a confessional booth.