Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
An American bully goes up to an English kid and says, "You're ugly!"
And the English kid says, "Well, wanna know why you can't play Jenga?"
"Why?" says the bully.
"Because you haven't got a tower."
There once was a man named Dave who dug up a prostitutes grave, she was as moldy as shit and missing a tit, but think of all the money he saved
Sophia matched with a midget on Tinder.
Midget: Hey! What’s up?
Sophia: Well technically everything is, from your perspective!
What do orphans and garbage have in common?
They’re both in the street, and no one wants to pick them up.
Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"
An Asian went to bed at 9:00, woke up at 6. People say he's still sleeping.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
Because the pond was too shallow.
Roses are red, balls are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in.
Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"
Spiderman: "Yes."
Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."
Spiderman: "Why?"
Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."
My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*
Me: Yea-
My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*
Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-
Next time you see a Brit, go up to them and say:
"Imagine losing a 'Tea Party in Boston.'"
Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)
I was a sit-down comedian, then I tried to stand up. I fell.
I wished I stayed in the wheelchair.
What sucks about disabled people?
They can't stand up for themselves.
What's the same with shoes and slaves?
When they get loose, you tie them up.
What website should you go to to look up LSD dealers?
TripAdvisor.com
Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.
Why did the emo break up with her boyfriend?
He didn't wanna hang out.
This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.
