Ups Jokes

Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)

Next time you see a Brit, go up to them and say:

"Imagine losing a 'Tea Party in Boston.'"

I was a sit-down comedian, then I tried to stand up. I fell.

I wished I stayed in the wheelchair.

Jesus and Satan are just basically Homer and Flanders. One tries to help the other, only for Satan to just say, "Shut up!"

Cristiano Clapnaldo woke up FEELING DANGEROUS against Real Sociedad!

- 0 tapins! - 0 assists! - 3/3 dives! - 0 key passes! - 2 big chances missed! - 1/4 dribbles! - 2 Offsides! - 27 claps!

Better than Elanga?

Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents, buddy."

Yo, hairline been missing so badly that the police had to put up a wanted poster for it!

You need to eat makeup on the inside because, friend, you're so ugly and you're not even pretty on the outside.

I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD, and it diagnosed me with slavery.

What sucks about disabled people?

They can't stand up for themselves.

Why did the ocean break up with the pond?

Because the pond was too shallow.

Confucius say, female pilot who fly upside down have crack up.

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

What do you do when a woman is choking?

Back up a couple inches.

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

There is an Afghan Barbie; it’s a blow-up doll.