Ups jokes

Why can't Indians play football?

Every time they get a corner, they open up a shop. 🙉

I will always remember my grandpa's last words after robbing a bank: "Oh, shit! The pigs are catching up!" But the cops did not kill him; he drove full speed off a cliff.

Why didn't the koala climb up the tree?

Comment down below!

A baby and his father are sitting in a street cafe. A woman bends over to pick up her keys just as a gust of wind blows up the woman's dress. "va va voom," the baby says. The dad chuckles and says, "Yes. I'd like to have sex with her too."

You're snorting cocaine with your buddies. Your eyes are closed, feeling the bliss of drugs, when suddenly something wet touches your nostril. Your buddy Mark stuck his PENIS in your face. You look up at Mark, and he says, "I'm sorry," and runs away, his pants still down.

I woke up when I heard a strange noise coming from my kitchen.

I turned on the light, and I saw none other than the exposed flop GHOSTNALDO. He asked me if I had PenalTEA, his favorite drink. I said no and yelled, "There is a big game tomorrow!" and he disappeared.

I made this one up myself just now.

Stephen Hawking would be a good pilot because the aircraft would be the first to take off and land in autopilot.

Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.

I once went up to an orphan and they were crying, and I asked where their parents are, and they started crying more.

Have you ever seen that weird ad that pops up at the bottom: sexy Russian babes looking for men older than 30, and they're 18, so is it a reverse pedo? Oh well.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Fishes.

Fishes who?

Fishes the police, come out with your hands up!

Just look up texting jokes. Don't ask why, just do it.

Two friends wanting to find out if their buddy was gay.

The two walked up to their buddy and said, "Get down!" and he kneeled down.

Stick your head up someone's butt. What do you get? A Butthead!

"Get your butt out of my face!"

"Then get your face out of my butt!!!"

Me: September is here!

[Labor Day comes]

Also me (ft. Green Day): “Wake me up when September ends!”

What bumps up and down at 100km an hour?

A baby tied to the back of a speeding truck.

My mom told me she couldn't open the garage door. Then it opened up to me that it wasn't broke anymore.

What time do dogs wake up? At school is the time dogs wake up.

Hey Max, what's up? The sky.

Your mama can't walk up the stairs because she eats too much chips.