Ups

Ups jokes

Blonde

    • A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners.

    The lady says, "Come again!"

    The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

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    • Elbow

    • If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.

    If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

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    • Ups memes

    Death

    • Never attempt to foreshadow your own death, you may end up regretting it. You can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if I’m wrong.

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    • Orphan

    • You see a kid on the side of the street crying, so you go up to them and say, "Where are your parents?" The kid says, "What are parents?"

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    • Shotgun

    • A man walks into a bar and says, "I'm feeling depressed. What do you have to cheer me up?"

    The bartender replied: "A shotgun."

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    • Wheelchair

    • My friend just got hit by a car and is now in a wheelchair. He is getting bullied, but I don’t understand why he just can’t stand up for himself.

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    • Opinion

    • No offense to anyone though. I don’t understand why everyone is bullying a person named Gwen?

    My opinion is well “it’s just a regular person wanting to do jokes. You never know. It could be an adult or a kid.”

    So leave her alone. Thank you. 😁

    Indian

    • There was an Indian riding in the desert when he saw a little blond-haired white girl up ahead. He heard her crying. So he went up to her and climbed down from his horse and asked her, "Hey, what’s going on? Why are you crying? Where are your parents? What happened?"

    The girl said in a crying, sad voice, "The bandidos came, killed my father, my brothers, then my mother, and raped my sister."

    The Indian just laughed, untied and dropped his breechcloth, then said, “Guess this isn’t your day, is it?”

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    • Cock

    • One day, a priest loses his cock (chicken). He goes to the church and says, "Who has seen a cock?" All the women raised their hands. "No, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?" Half the women's hands went up. "No, no, no, who has seen my cock?" All the nuns' hands went up.

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    • Jesus

    • So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.

    On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"

    Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.

    On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"

    Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.

    On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"

    Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"

    Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"

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    • Comedian

    • So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.

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    • Orphan

    • Why can orphans never be kidnapped?

    No one can tell them that "your parents said that they would be delayed and I was told to pick you up."

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    • Dude

    • A black dude shows up to a job interview for a watermelon farmhand gig, resume full of fried chicken joint experience. The boss asks, "Why should I hire you?" He stutters, "Uh, I got skills in... uh..." Before he can finish, a hulk-like, veiny, muscular, giant transgender man storms in, straps him to the interview desk with velvet cuffs, drips hot wax on his back from a candle shaped like a massive dick, and rams his ass relentlessly while whispering, "Welcome to the team, bitch. Your probation starts now."

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