Ups jokes

Pick up lines.

"One fish, two fish, three fish, I’m breaking up with you, b*tch!"

"Hey there little mister, I’m dating your sister."

When you fall asleep on the couch and wake up in your bed.

But you know you live alone.

Someone went up to an orphan and asked him why he was talking to the air. He said he was talking to his mom.

I was gonna walk up to an emo and say, "Do you get jealous when your phone dies?"

What did the Taliban say to the Afghan?

Nothing, they blew him up.

EDP445 is a cupcake. Look it up.

Are you a building because I rate you a 9/11?

Why were the Twin Towers mad when they ordered pizza?

One arrived plain, one came in late, one went to the wrong address, and the other one never came.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a thrill with pills. Jack came down, fuck a clown, and the cum made them frown.

Short girl: "How do you see up there?"

Tall guy: "Who said that?"

I spit my drink out and then ran away.

Your children grew up faster than it took you to leave for the milk.

You. Me. Gas station. What are we getting for dinner? Sushi of course. Uh oh! There was a roofie in our gas station sushi. We black out and wake up in a sewer surrounded by fish.

Horny fish. You know what that means. Fish orgy. The stench draws in a bear. What do we do? We're gonna fight it. Bear fight. Bare handed. Bare, naked? Oh, yes please. We befriend the bear after we beat it in a brawl and ride it into a Chuck E. Cheese. Dance Dance Revolution. Revolution? Overthrow the government? Uh, I think so. Next thing you know, I'm reincarnated as Jesus Christ. Then I turn into a jet, fly into the sun, black out again, wake up, do a bump, white out, which I didn't even know you could do. Then I smoked a joint, greened out. Then I turn into the sun. Uh oh! Looks like the meth is kicking in. aklfhaofhasfahfakh AAAAAAAAA afahfioahflkf AAAAA

You know, people always tell you to stand up for yourself. Why didn't anyone tell the World Trade Center that? 🤔

Two whores are watching the sun come up, splitting a bottle of Mad Dog and celebrating another night of servicing the general public. One asks the other: "Say. You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

Her friend thinks it over, "No...but I have been swung around by the tits a few times!"

I dressed up as Darth Vader at an orphanage and said, "I am your father!"

Did you leave your hairline at the airplane, because it's going up?

I was a sit-down comedian, then I tried to stand up. I fell.

I wished I stayed in the wheelchair.

Annabeth: "Percy, whaters up with you?"

Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!

It's the season of giving, so I'll be giving up!

I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.

She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."