Ups jokes

A farmer walks into his bedroom with his wife in bed with a sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I'm fucking." She says, "You idiot, that's a sheep!" He says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

Me after Taco Bell, "I’m about to blow this place up like September 11."

What does a bungee jumper and a homosexual have in common?

When the rubber snaps, they both end up in the shit! 💩

People on the Titanic were cracking up at my jokes, so did the Titanic. No, really, the Titanic cracked in half!

I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.

I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!

Been watching Smackdown DVDs, and I'm so erect right now. I'm so bricked up.

When you're so rich that you can buy anything, you end up getting a cow in your living room. Yeah, anyways, my ex is still in my living room.

*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*

Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.

I asked an angel, "How did I die?"

"Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

One thing you can ask Mario:

"Can you jump up and down for me?"

I went to the super market one day and I saw a Caesar salad for 69 dollars. Next minute someone comes up to me and says, "Caesar deez nutz!"

So my ex, who wouldn't leave me alone because she thought I was the best person in the world even though Will has a better haircut than me, but anyway, when we broke up she said I was the worst person she ever met, and I told her she looks like a cross between a beaver and a mole rat.

Then I told her she has the Wendy's logo haircut and then some other things I'm not gonna say. 2 years of bullshit, I was done.

Anyways, she cried lol.

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.

Ha ha! Get rickrolled!

I was thinking of starting up a stair company, but there were too many steps to it.

When I saw your face, it instantly made me throw up.

A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

'Cause they don't got balls to scratch.

"OK, son," he says. "It's as easy as counting to 5."

1. Pull down your pants. 2. Pull back your foreskin. 3. Pee in the toilet. 4. Put your foreskin back. 5. Pull up your pants.

From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying, "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4."

What happens to emo kids when they go up?

They never come down.