Try jokes

Stephen Hawking tried joining some music bands, but all of them rejected him... except Daft Punk.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I almost got run over by a car.

For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.

This gay guy was so happy with his new boyfriend that he took him to his favorite gay bar.

An hour or so goes by, then the new flame says, "I just LOVE this place, everyone is so nice, food is great, but what's up with the monkey way down there?"

His friend says "OK, watch this." He goes up behind the chimp and smacked him in back of its head. The monkey jumped off the stool, pulls down his zipper, and gives him head. When finished, the chimp took a napkin, cleaned himself, pulled up his zipper, then jumped back to his chair.

He walked back to his new gay friend and said, "What do you think of that?"

"MAN, I seen some amazing things, but never like that!" His squeeze said, "Wanna give it a try?"

"I sure do, JUST DON'T hit me as hard as you hit that monkey."

So there was a school shooting in Florida. Why didn't the shooter just go to Disney?.......sorry, I just work there and I'm trying to get people to come on down.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

Why did the baseball player get arrested? He tried to steal third.

I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!

A man tried to attack me with milk and cheese—how dairy!

I tried writing with a dull pencil the other day, but there was no point.

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

Would you like to try African food?

They would too.

When you try to close a Google ad because it was covering content, but it was covered by "Ad closed by Google."

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

Why are there no good Indian actors? Because all the good ones are trying to get your bank details over the phone.

This one kid I knew had Down syndrome, and he turned a mirror upside down trying to get rid of it.

I tried to think of how lighting works.

Then it struck me!

Your mum is so stupid, she tried to take the crown off a "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster so that she could become the new queen of England.