I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun… Then it dawned on me

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

Would you like to try African food??

They would too.

a blond, a red head, and brunette, were stuck on an island, and the closest populated island was 100km away, so in turn they try to swim to the island, the brunette swims 10 km then drowns, the red head swims 30 km then drowns, the blond swims 50 km then gets tired so she swims back.

My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

I tried writing with a dull pencil the other day, but there was no point.

I’m not lazy, I’m just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don’t try to stop me. I’ve got a skele-ton of these!

Have you ever tried North Korean food?

Neither have the North Koreans.

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar, and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks “What’s so magical about it?” the guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. the other tries, but falls of and dies.

The bartender shakes his head, and says.

"Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk superman.

I tried to catch fog- I mist…

What’s the hardest part about being a paedophile?

Trying to fit in.

So there is a truck driver and every he sees a black guy on his route he tries to hit him so one day he sees a priest that needs a ride so he gives him one and he sees a black guy and he wants to hit him so he closed his eyes and acts like he is asleep so he hears a thud he looks at the Priest And he says "you missed but don’t worry I got him with the door

Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?

While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.

a man walks into a bar, and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. when he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says “If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone’s drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?” the man decided not to take the risk. he thought the steaks where too high.

I tried to catch the fog, but I mist

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“I was trying to keep up with traffic,” the guy replied.

The cop said, “But there is no traffic.”

And the guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am.”

A man tried to shoot Adolf Hitler but missed. Then Adolf replied, “Oh shoot, I did nazi that coming!”