Try jokes
If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?
10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
Don't bother; just try to live in England.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were stuck on an island, and the closest populated island was 100km away. So in turn, they try to swim to the island. The brunette swims 10 km then drowns. The redhead swims 30 km then drowns. The blonde swims 50 km then gets tired so she swims back.
I tried making an orphan baseball team. It sucked because they couldn’t find home plate.
I tried to take a fog machine, but I took the wrong one. Needless to say, it was a big mist-take.
Stephen Hawking just died. Have they tried rebooting him to factory settings?
10 Fun Facts.
1. You can't wash your eyes with soap. 2. You can't count your hair. 3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out. 4. You just tried number 3. 5. When you did number 3, you realized it's possible, only you look like a dog. 6. You're smiling right now because you were fooled. 7. You skipped number 5. 8. You just checked to see if there is a number 5. 9. Share this with your friends to have some fun too :-)
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
A pair of gloves!
Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Did you hear about the race of the tomato and lettuce? Well, the lettuce was winning and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
Me: Have you ever tried African food?
You: No.
Me: They haven't either.
When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself... #victoryroyale
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he's drinking a magical drink. He asks, "What's so magical about it?" The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, "Y'know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Why did Sally get a black eye?
Because she tried to play patty cake.
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.