I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!
That’s the best I’ve done so far.
a blond, a red head, and brunette, were stuck on an island, and the closest populated island was 100km away, so in turn they try to swim to the island, the brunette swims 10 km then drowns, the red head swims 30 km then drowns, the blond swims 50 km then gets tired so she swims back.
My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
a man walks into a bar, and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. when he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says “If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone’s drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?” the man decided not to take the risk. he thought the steaks where too high.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when i saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that as a punishment, she won’t eat butter for 1 month. Today i saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her “nice try”.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“I was trying to keep up with traffic,” the guy replied.
The cop said, “But there is no traffic.”
And the guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am.”
I’m not lazy, I’m just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don’t try to stop me. I’ve got a skele-ton of these!
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. – But if I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Doctor: “Does your p.... burn after intercourse?”
Patient: “I don’t know. I never tried lighting it.”