Topic jokes

Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"

Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."

The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."

The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"

The top worst thing for an orphan, and probably the most awkward one, is when they're having sex and the other person is calling them "mommy" or "daddy."

What was I saying again?

What’s the difference between Rosa Parks and Muhammad Ali?

One fought for freedom, the other fought for fun.

What is a type of cancer that:

Affects you. Is caused by a device. Is annoying. People won't stop talking about it?

Easy, the answer is Fortnite.

I was gonna make a gay joke but fuck it.

I thought I had the best K/D ratio in my fighter jet on Battlefield, then I heard about Mohammed Atta.

Why don't molestation victims speak up about their trauma? Because it's a touchy topic.

What is this anyway?

Off-topic, but why is the picture in the baby category feet? And nasty feet at that? What am I, Dan Schneider?

I for the class?

dik.

Little off topic but...

Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.

Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.

Mum: Fair point.

Warning: If you're planning to look here for jokes about the FOOD nuts, don't bother. It's filled with penis jokes.

Me: Mom, I think I need to go to the hospital.

Mom: OMG, why son?

Me: I don't know what's wrong, but every time I close my eyes, I can see.

Think about it, then spread LMAO.

A boy was following me for 8 years, even into the stall. I finally told him I’m not gay.

God better hope they got an elevator to Heaven.

What do you call Stephen Hawking when he eats too much?

As fat as Ben Dingley.

What’s the difference between anal sex and vegetables? One is cruel to the person getting it in, the other is vegetables.

If you spin a fidget spinner, You'll end up spinning it too fast. When you end up spinning it too fast, it will make you fly away. When you fly away, you'll end up in a tree. When you end up in a tree, you'll see that your friends are hanging out without you. When you see that your friends are hanging out without you, you'll run away in the woods because you're sad. When you ran away in the woods, you'll see a bear. When you see a bear, it will chase you. When the bear chases you, you'll build a fort to protect yourself. When you build a fort to protect yourself, you then notice you're lonely. You'll become friends with the bear. When you become friends with a bear, you'll start to act like a bear. When you start to act like a bear, you will become a bear.

DO NOT BECOME A BEAR! NEVER PLAY WITH A FIDGET SPINNER!