Why do people hate abortion jokes?
It leaves you with an empty feeling inside.
What is the difference between a cow and 9/11?
You can’t milk a cow for 15 years.
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.
Why was the booty so good at poker?
Because it always had a good PAIR.
Why do asscheeks make great friends?
They always stick together!
What's the difference between life and a rape joke?
Life fucks you until you stop breathing, a rape joke fucks you until it's not funny anymore.
Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"
Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."
The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."
The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"
What were the emo kid's pronouns?
Was/were.
My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"
Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.
What’s the difference between Rosa Parks and Muhammad Ali?
One fought for freedom, the other fought for fun.
I just wanted to say to never let go of family; they are everything. Never let anyone walk all over you. And if you are with me, like this quote.
That shirt's very becoming on you.
If I were on you, I’d be coming too.
Me: I been up all night, no sleep—
The lie detector I didn’t know I had: lie.
Me: stfu! I’m just singing!
Lie detector: you literally listen to music all the time... you almost don’t even sleep!
Me: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID TOU SAY IT’S A LIE, WHEN I SAID I DIDN’T SLEEP?!
lie detector: it’s 3:00 AM in 8 minutes, you usually close your eyes to sleep when it’s 5:00 AM....... You get waken up at 7:00 AM...... you only sleep two hours......
Mom: Quit making suicidal jokes!
Me: Don't worry, it will all be over soon, Mom!
Mom: ❓❓❓
why don't molestation victims speak up about their trauma? because it's a touchy topic.
Little off topic but...
Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.
Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.
Mum: Fair point.
What hit the ground first in 9/11? The people.
Bully: I wasn't talking to you.
Me: Then why are you listening?
I got a detention because I told an emo kid to "hang in there."
