Worst Jokes Ever
Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.
Everyone else in the minefield...
bully: "Your life's a joke."
me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."
What does a bicycle and Jade Goody have in common?
They can't reach 30.
What's a pirate's favorite shop?
Arrrrrrrrgos.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.
What’s the difference between Disney+ and P*rnhub?
Disney+ wants you to hate your stepmother.
How can you surprise someone who is blind?
Leave a plunger in the toilet.
If you really think about it, every market in Africa is a black market.
I don't understand why people get offended by incest jokes; they're so family friendly.
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
My mind was blown when I saw all the people waving at me.
-JFK
Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often.
What war did Africa not win? The water fight.
Jack and Jill popped some pills to get a little tipsy.
Jack got a surprise and bloodshot eyes because Jill gave him a roofie.
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.
A kid gets home from school and finds his mom and dad having sex. The kid asks, "What are you doing, Dad?" The dad replies, "Having sex with your mom, son," and he starts laughing.
The next day, Dad gets home from work and finds his son having sex with his nan. The dad shouts, "What the hell are you doing, son?" The kid replies, "It's not funny when it's your mom, is it?"
You walk into a McDonald's and you ask for some extra mayo, and they put too much on there.
I say I didn't order a "McCumshot."
Kenny is living with his girlfriend now.
He just moved back in with his mom.
Where was Moses when the lights went out? - In the dark!
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.