What do blind kids and orphans have in common? Neither of them can see their parents.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
"Go big or go home," that's what some people say.
"Go loud and proud," that's what other people say.
"Go out with a big, loud bang!" that's what I say.
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying, "ten babies in one trashcan." Morbid humor would be saying, "one baby in ten trashcans."
There is an upside to being an orphan. Every bag of chips is family size.
What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?
My heartbeat.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.
What do strippers and peanut butter have in common? They both spread for bread.
I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.
So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.
That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.
A suicide bomber's biggest fear is dying alone.
Dark humor jokes about orphans are funny because no parents are gonna be told.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
Why do orphans like Batman? They are 50% like him.
My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.
Why are people in Japan always skinny?
Because last time there was a "Fat Man", a whole city disappeared.
"You wanna play the rape game?" "No." "That's the spirit!"
What happened when the emo went through the self-checkout?
Two beeps went off.
Your hairline's so far back that five hour energy became a five day depression.
One morning a dad was sitting and watching TV. His daughter comes in and says, "Dad! Why is my name Rose?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head." "Cool," Rose said.
The second daughter walked in and said, "Dad! Why is my name Daisy?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head." "Awesome," Daisy said.
The third daughter came in and said, "DuUuBuDuRDeEDeRdUuUuU!!!" "SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!!!"
