Worst Jokes Ever
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.
But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.
Do you know about the new movie Disney made just for cancer kids? It's called Finding Kemo.
What's the only part of a vegetable you cannot eat?
Wheelchair.
Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."
Depression hits harder than my dad.
A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said, "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there," the boy replied.
The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked, "Do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" The boy replied, "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing," said the pharmacist.
That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. The girl's father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "You never told me that you were so religious." The boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist."
What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?
The fish can swim.
Friend: "You are so ugly." Me: "You can't be talking, you give Freddy Krueger nightmares."
What's the worst thing to star in?
An amber alert.
Teacher: I used to be an orphan once.
Student: OOFT.
Teacher: Who are we missing?
Student: Your parents.
One day, a priest and a nun went to play golf together.
In the first shot, the priest missed his shot and said, "Fuck, I missed it!"
The nun replied, "Hey, you should not curse."
In the second shot, the priest missed his shot again and said, "Fuck, I missed again!"
The nun replied, "Hey, stop swearing, or else God will punish you."
In the next shot, the priest missed once again. He shouted, "Fuck this, this game is bullshit!"
The nun replied, "Enough! God is definitely going to punish you anytime now."
Suddenly, a thunderbolt struck the nun and killed her. The clouds separated from the sky, and there was a voice in the sky saying, "Oh, fuck, I missed!"
Isn't Gwen the most thoughtful person?
What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman? Batman returns.
Imagine working at the World Trade Center, only for Osama bin Laden to call and ask if he could crash at your place.
What's the similarities between Spiderman and a homeless person?
They both have no way home!
What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.
Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.
Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
Why are there a lot of whites in hockey?
It’s the only other job that involves beating something black other than being a cop.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.
Yo mama so ugly, she went to the bathroom and scared the sh*t out of the toilet.