Worst Jokes Ever

My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

How do you blow up an Indian person?

You press the red button.

Trying to make a baby talk is like trying to negotiate with North Korea.

In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.

Why did the lion lose the race? Because he was playing with a cheetah.

This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."

I'd make 9/11 jokes, but they'd just crash and burn.

School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.

Me: Have you seen the movie Constipation?

You: No.

Me: Because it hasn’t come out yet! ERMINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you call a retarded person and a stroke victim in the same bed?

Mashed potatoes.

Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”

Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exercise. They got up into the air and Jim said, "Okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "What?" as he looked over at Jim.

I ran into a dwarf and he said: "Well, I’m not Happy."

Then which one are you?

Two skeleton brothers are talking.

1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"

2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"

How do you stop a baby from drowning? pt. 2

-Harpoon it.

Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?

The grim reaper.

Why don't oysters share their pearls?

Because they're shellfish!

Life is like a penis. Long, free, flowing, and soft, until a woman comes and makes it hard. 😉

Damn, bitch, you got a big ass for a head!

An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.

*A few minutes later*

son: There.

mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?

son: Dad showed me before he died.

mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*