Worst Jokes Ever

Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.

The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.

The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.

Old soviet joke.

"Who is your mother?" "Our great Soviet country." "Who is your father?" "Our dear comrade Stalin." "What's your greatest desire?" "Becoming an orphan."

Why are Americans so bad at Clash of Clans? Because they already lost two towers.

Why do orphans play a lot of tennis?

Cause that's the only way they get love.

Titanic, doing the polar plunge before it was cool.

1 minute silence for those who still think thoughts can't kill you.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jack undressed, and she pulled up her dress so they could have some fun. But stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

What did the cannibal do after eating all the vegetables?

Sold the wheelchairs on eBay.

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.

What you breathe in is called oxygen, otherwise known as, "African food".

Yo mamma is so dumb that she smokes to burn calories!

Why is there air conditioning in hospitals?

To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.

Girl, are you a rope? Because I want to hang with you.

If you give a dwarf 5-Hour Energy, will it become 10-hour Energy?

I think my family is racist.

I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

My attitude doesn't have to be the only reason I yell and roll my eyes in the back of my head.

What does a pregnant slave and a payless sale have in common?

Buy one, get one free.

Fat people are the reason we have double doors.