Worst Jokes Ever

Why can't orphans be gay?

They don't have a closet to come out of.

How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?

Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work...

What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?

A margarita hits the spot every time.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

What happened to the frog that partied illegally?

He got TOAD away!

Husband: "Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!"

Wife: "Olympic-style condoms? What makes them so special?"

Husband: "They come in three colors: gold, silver, and bronze."

Wife: "Ooh, sweet. What color are you going to wear tonight?"

Husband: "Gold, of course!"

Wife: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."

Three nuns die in a car crash, but they all make it to heaven. They're standing at the pearly gates, and Saint Peter says to them, "Don't worry, you're going to get in, but first I need you to answer these questions."

He asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first woman?" The nun says, "Eve." Saint Peter says, "Go on in."

Then he asks the second nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?" The second one says, "The Garden of Eden." Saint Peter says, "You can go through."

Finally, he gets to the third nun and says, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun stands there a little confused and says, "Boy, that's a hard one." Saint Peter, shocked, goes, "That's correct! Go on in."

What’s the most played song in Africa?

Have you ever seen the rain?

Why does Santa come down the chimney? Because he knows he isn't allowed to come in the back door.

My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"

What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs?

"Nice tits, bitch."

What do you call an under-the-weather seven?

A sick seven.

When the priest said, "Be gone from this boy, demon!" the demon replied, "And you get out of the boy!"

What was Jesus's favorite sport?

Lacrosse.

Steven Hawking had dark humor.

Whenever he turned on his laugh effect, it diverted power from his screen brightness.

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

I asked a black man on the street if a white person paints their face black, it’s considered racist, but if a black person paints their face white, will the cops treat them better?

What are the basic ingredients when a cannibal makes a sandwich?

2 slices of Brad.