Worst Jokes Ever

I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.

What do you call a walkie-talkie for retards? -- A stumblie-mumblie.

You want to hear a dirty joke?

This guy and this girl were having sex when the guy's boss called to ask why he wasn't at work. The guy responds, "I'm sick." His boss replies, "You don't sound sick." The guy says, "I'm fucking my sister" and hangs up the phone.

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

There's four people on a roof: a Mexican, an Asian, a black guy, and a white guy. The Mexican walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. The Asian also walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. Then, the black guy walks over to the edge and says, "This is for my people," and pushes the white guy off.

What did the kid with leukemia watch last night? Finding Chemo.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You'd run too if your name was dgergbbfdnbj.

Little Johnny got a train set for Christmas. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Alright, you motherfuckers get off here, and you motherfuckers get off here." His mom comes rushing in and says, "Little Johnny, we don’t use that kind of language, go to your room and think about what you did!"

After a few hours, she lets him out of his room. He goes back to play with his train set. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Okay, you guys get off here, and you guys get off here. And if you have any complaints about the two hour delay, take it up with the bitch in the kitchen."

Don't do gay jokes, come on guys.

Necrophilia in Alabama is fun for the whole family, even grandma.

Yo mama so fat, she blocked my internet connection.

What do you call a pessimistic Mexican?

A Mexican't.

A receptionist at the Twin Towers orders two pepperoni pizzas. She was upset when she got two planes.

They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.

I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.

... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.

What do you call an expert fisherman?

A "MASTER-BAITER".

I ate a time machine once, it was very time-consuming. Especially when I went back four seconds.

Why do tigers have stripes? They don't want to be spotted.

My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone. Wing-wing Halo?

Grammar: It's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.