Worst Jokes Ever
The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.
Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
What's the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person?
They both hang...
Why do people not play Uno with Mexicans? Because they are always stealing the green cards.
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to move.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?
Optimistic.
What do jokesters eat for breakfast? Pun-cakes.
Three guys are stranded with cannibals on an island. The cannibals said, "Each one of you come back with 10 pieces of fruit and shove them up your butt showing no emotion." The first guy came back with 10 apples, and by the second one, he started to grunt, so he was killed and eaten.
The second one came back with cherries, and when he went to put the 10th one in, he started to laugh, so he was killed and eaten. The two guys met in heaven, and the first guy said, "Dude, you were so close. What happened?" The second one said, "I would have made it, but I saw the third guy come back with 10 pineapples!!" 😝😝🤣🤣
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...
"Lazy."
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"
The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."
The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."
What do you call an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
A man tried to shoot Adolf Hitler, but missed. Then Adolf replied, "Oh shoot, I did nazi that coming!"
You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.
I was playing hangman, and I gave up on the word "LIFE".
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... That is... if you throw it hard enough.
Me: I have lost it.
Random: Lost what?
Me: My will to live.
A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.