Worst Jokes Ever

What do you call a dead fly? -- A flew.

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 20 people, then it exploded.

I hate people who get offended here, like seriously, it's called dark humor for a reason.

I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

De-calf-inated.

What does a spy do when he's cold?

He goes under cover.

Famous last words:

"Don't worry man, it's not even loaded."

What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?

They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”

Immigration jokes just cross the line.

You're so scary that even your hairline ran away.

You are the reason double doors were invented.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Chuck Norris doesn't turn on his shower, he just stares at it until it cries.

What do you call a candle in armor?

A knight light.

What was the pedophile charged with when he was arrested? A minor offense.

What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

Yo mama so fat, when she sat on Walmart, the prices went down.