Worst Jokes Ever
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."
Now, how about that drink?
Why do Japanese people hate Christmas?
Because the last time a "FatMan" went down their chimney they lost half of their population.
When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...
How does E.T. have an advantage over orphans? E.T. can actually phone home.
Depression is like therapy; the more you see it, the more you get used to it.
I'm doing a charity bungee jump for the local disabled.
It's called "spastics on elastics."
I wish I could be as visible as my depression is.
Father: "Son, you were adopted."
Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."
A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."
1273. Depression got the best of me. I'm gonna cry in my room now.
Why can a gay man give a better brojob to a heterosexual man than another heterosexual man?
Experience.
What's an emo's favorite Pink Floyd album?
The Final Cut.
Me: Knock knock.
Friend: Who's there?
Me: I don't know anymore.
One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"
Why is the leaning tower of Pizza leaning?
It has better reflexes than the twin towers.
What do five dicks sticking out of glory holes and five udders both have in common? They are ready for milking.
What do you call a man off the ground?
Hanged.
What’s the difference between my lawn and my wrists?
Nothing, I cut both of them.
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.